Now, as a part of my "Canadians Anonymous" program, I am required to write one satirical piece on Canada and share it with as many people as I can. So, here goes:
Some guy named Pierre once said, “Canada is a country built against any common, geographic, historic or cultural sense.” I thought long and hard about these words, and I believe this guy was wrong. There’s some geographic sense in there. But after my research, I’ve come to the conclusion that the rest doesn’t make any sense.
You know who the top dog is in Canada? The Big boss, the head honcho? It’s the f-ing QUEEN OF ENGLAND. Now, this definitely came as a surprise to me. I went 14 years of my life not knowing that our every political move is really controlled by England. What is Canada, a momma’s boy? After my research, I came to the conclusion that, well, yeah, Canada is a momma’s boy.
Let’s say that the US, Canada, England, France, and Spain are all in a family. Now, France is the father of Canada, Spain is the Father of the US (Yes people, you purchased Louisiana, remember!), and England is the skanky whore that is the mother of both Canada and the US. Now, England, France, and Spain are really distant from their kids. The US decides to go live off on his own. England goes over there, and the US tells her to f off. Then, after he’s become big and successful, he gets property from Spain, his father, by buying him out. Now that the US has split, England gets pretty possessive of Canada, and decides that she wants full control of him. So, she smacks France around, France smacks her back, and eventually, England gets custody of Canada. Later on, Canada decides it’s time for him to get out on his own. So, he tells England that he wants to live in his own house, and buy his own food, but England can still have some control. So, papers get signed, and Canada leaves home. Yes, that’s right. Canada wasn’t formed by some war or resistance movement. Canada was formed by signing a piece of paper that the Queen endorsed. Sounds lame, huh? Well, you’re right. It is lame.
So, fast forward a hundred years, and you get Canada as it is today, and it decided to have a big party. You have Chinese-Canadians, Ukrainian-Canadians, African-Canadians, Japanese-Canadians, and Indian-Canadians, not to be confused with Native Canadians. I myself am an Irish-Ukrainian-Canadian. You can get this all the time, which leads to Russian-Ukrainian-Canadians, African-American-Canadians, and Banana-ana-fo-Canadians. You know what you don’t get? CANADIAN-CANADIANS. Everyone is an immigrant, except the Natives, but even then, they’re just Natives. Not even a hyphen in there. Pretty biased, don’t you think?
Well now, you’d think that with all these different cultures living in Canada, that we would have started some religious civil war by now, right? But then you look back at the only 4 major events in Canadian history and find that we’ve never had a civil war. Well, you think, the Canadians must have covered it up. They had to have had a civil war by now, right? No, because we Canadians have found the solution to global peace. Can you guess what it is? Shopping malls. You see, shopping malls contain all types of distractions. You’ve got restaurants, large department stores, and 25 cent kiddie rides. If you take a look back, every country that has had a civil war has had a distinct lack of shopping malls.
Now, I’ve prepared a mathematical equation here. The probability, P, of a country ever being embroiled in civil war is related to the number of shopping malls it has, or n, by the equation P equals 80 minus I divided by 650 squared percent. Now, as you can see, this shows that a country will need to have 5850 shopping malls before it can be safe from civil war, a statistic which Canada reached hundreds of years ago. In fact, to be able to qualify for a township in Canada, you have to have at least one strip mall, and to be a city, you have to have at the very least 4 full-sized shopping malls. To be a fully recognized citizen of Canada, you have to take an oath, kill a beaver, and be able to walk through a shopping mall without buying anything.
And that “killing a beaver” deal is an actual fact. We are one of the only, maybe the only country in the world that actually attempts to exterminate its national animal. It’s really because we were late to the party. In the USA, they got the bald eagle. The United Kingdom has a lion. Bangladesh has tigers, and we were even a country before them. Even Poland has a good animal, and we know how good THEY are at making decisions. Since every other animal in our country was covered (except for the deer, but seriously, we weren't gonna pick an animal whose one main predator is SUVs driving on the highway), we were stuck with the animal who happens to be a pest in Canada. Not a problem anywhere else, but in Canada, oh boy. There's even "beaver bounties" that are offered to people willing to hunt the creatures down, so they'll stop building their damn dams (ba-da-psh!).
Oh, it’s time for the mandatory dispelling of all stereotypes. No, we don’t use dogsleds, just in the summer. No, we didn’t just come out of the ice age last year. No, we don’t live in igloos, just people outside of Toronto. Yes, we do have FM radio. And finally, yes, we are the best at hockey. If you don't believe me, ask any Canadian hockey fan.
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